A Mostly Failed Experiment

Hot coffee. We all want it. None of us have it.
If you’re a mom, your coffee temperature directly correlates to how many people yell “MOM!” before 9 a.m. so basically, it’s iced by default.

But fear not. I have developed a foolproof (read: mostly useless)* step-by-step method for drinking your coffee before it becomes a sad, room-temp puddle.

Step 1: Brew with the confidence of someone who has their life together.

This is key. You must believe. Pour that coffee like you’re starring in a lifestyle ad. Pick the good mug, the one that feels like a warm hug, not the one with the faded logo from your ex-job. Hold it. Smell it. Whisper to it if you have to: “I will finish you hot.”

Step 2: Guard it like the crown jewels.

The second you set it down, someone will need you. Socks will disappear. A sibling war will break out over who looked at who first. The cat will puke. If you want hot coffee, you must protect the mug at all costs. Carry it around like a toddler with a blankie. Pee while holding it if necessary. No shame.

Step 3: Eliminate distractions (or pretend to).

For best results, ignore anyone under four feet tall for the first three minutes. This is not selfish… this is survival. If someone says “Mom,” simply respond, “Not until sip three.” They’ll adjust. Probably.

Step 4: The Slam Technique™

Sometimes, despite all efforts, you’ll realize your coffee is slipping into the lukewarm danger zone. This is where you slam it! Not like a civilized adult, but like you’re 23, it’s 1:57 a.m., and the bartender just yelled “LAST CALL!” Tilt that mug back like it’s a questionable tequila shot, make eye contact with the void, and just go for it.

Pro tip: Throw in a little “WOO!” afterward for full effect. Bonus points if you chest bump the fridge…or the small child with the audacity to pester you before you had even completed the bare minimum third sip.

Step 5: Accept that the last sip is cold.

It doesn’t matter how hard you try, the last sip will be cold, possibly with a thin, mysterious film on top. That’s not failure. That’s tradition. Drink it anyway. You’re too far in to quit now.

Optional Hacks (for people who actually want results)

• Travel mug at home – Yes, it looks ridiculous. Yes, it works.
• Microwave halfway through – Will it taste slightly like reheated despair? Sure. But it’ll be hot.
• Pre-chug a quarter – Start strong, then sip the rest like a human.

Final Wisdom
Drinking hot coffee as a mom is like finding a parking spot right in front of Target… theoretically possible, but not worth emotionally depending on. If all else fails, embrace the chaos, throw back your coffee like it’s Spring Break 2014, and get on with your day.